empathy | a powerful technology and self-practice
As we close our theme this week on EMPATHY, we want to offer a dive deep into a transformative conversation on self-empathy that was led in celebration of International Women’s Day at the top this month, by a beloved returning On Friday speaker and facilitator, Elena Brower. In a world where external validation often feels like the answer, Elena reminded us of a profound truth—
True empowerment starts from within.
In her session on March 7, Elena gifted us a powerful technology—a practice of self-empathy—that can transform the way we relate to ourselves and others. She shared that while the world around us constantly changes and sensations come and go, our relationship with ourselves remains the foundation for everything else.
The core of Elena’s message was that every ruffle that arises in our consciousness is an opportunity to return to self-empathy. Rather than looking outside ourselves for affirmation, we can turn inward. As Elena shared, the practice of self-empathy is about being the first to say, "How human of me," when we experience discomfort or uncertainty. This simple yet profound acknowledgment allows us to soften into our experience without judgment.
The 4 Steps of Self-Empathy
Elena outlined the key steps of practicing self-empathy, a practice that she believes is vital for everyone, especially for those of us who’ve often been conditioned to give care to others without fully attending to our own needs. These steps are:
Observation—Acknowledging what’s happening in your body and mind, without adding stories or judgment.
Feeling—Tuning into the emotions you’re experiencing in that moment.
Needs—Identifying the deeper, unmet needs behind those feelings.
Requests—Making a request from someone else (or yourself) that would support you in meeting that need.
This practice creates space for us to connect with ourselves first, allowing us to be whole and resourced in any situation.
Empathy as a Source of Strength
A profound moment during the session came when Elena shared her own commitment to self-empathy. She expressed, "I am full to the brim with my own self-empathy, so I don’t need empathy from anyone else." She reminded us that the goal is to create the conditions for a life where we no longer need external validation, especially from those closest to us, like children or parents.
Elena’s message was clear: when we fill our own cup, we can offer others a sense of being held. In the space of our own self-empathy, others feel our presence, our care, and our wholeness. And that’s the essence of true intimacy — both with ourselves and others.
The Long Journey to Self-Care
As women, we’ve often been taught to put ourselves last, to care for others before caring for ourselves. Yet, as Elena eloquently put it, "We’ve spent a lifetime denying ourselves the feeling of being held." The practice of self-empathy is a way to reclaim that care and offer it back to ourselves. It's yoga in action—an embodiment of self-love and compassion that is so crucial for our well-being.
She also highlighted that we should stop trying to make others do anything and let go of the belief that we need to be any different from who we are. Self-empathy invites us to soften into the present moment, accepting ourselves as we are, and finding compassion even when things are tough.
Empathy and Compassion in Real-Time
The practice of self-empathy doesn't just benefit us—it ripples out into the world. Elena’s teachings reminded us that, "Empathy is understanding independent of agreement." Through this, we can cultivate a deep compassion for ourselves and others, even in moments when we don’t agree or understand everything.
With kids, Elena offered a simple yet profound mantra: “Tell me more!” This approach fosters deeper connection and understanding, providing a safe space for others to express themselves fully.
Mothering Ourselves
Ultimately, Elena’s session was a reminder of the importance of mothering ourselves — not only to break free from generational patterns of emotional neglect but to fill the gap that may have been left when our mothers, too, didn’t know how to mother themselves. By mothering ourselves through the practice of self-empathy, we stop the chain of pain and create a different path forward.
The Path Forward: Self-Empathy for All
Elena's message resonates far beyond International Women's Day. It’s an invitation to move from operating solely from our minds, and start engaging with our hearts. The practice of self-empathy can be the foundation for a life of fulfillment, where we no longer seek validation from others but instead offer ourselves the love and care we deserve.
May we continue to bring more self-compassion into our lives, to create the space to nurture ourselves and, in turn, hold space for others. It’s a technology of intimacy and connection that we all need, and as Elena beautifully put it, "I wish we would teach it in kindergarten."
The journey of self-empathy is not just a personal one. It’s a revolutionary act that has the potential to change the way we show up in the world—with more care, more connection, and more compassion.
Let’s keep the conversation going.
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